AFrican Pastors find cure for Ebola

Africa Finds Its Own Cure For #Ebola
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Breaking Satirical News
LAGOS, NIGERIA – While America is busy
injecting defenseless rats with the Ebola
virus to systematically extract antibodies
that can maybe “cure” Ebola. A group of
extraordinary Africans have come
together to find a more humane and
effective cure for the disease.
Sources confirm that this potential cure
does not involve harming rats, monkeys
or any sort of animal and neither was it
created in any fancy or expensive
African research University or Hospital
(that is if they even exist). These brilliant
scientists…I mean pastors gathered
inside Africa’s most lavishly equipped
and weekly funded medical research
facility … the Nigerian church … where
several other cures have been
discovered in the past couple of years.
Including the cure for Aids, the cure for
Cancer, the cure for Poverty and even
the cure for Boko Haram just ask Pastor
T.B. Joshua!
So while America is still playing around
with rats, these Nigerian pastors
are hard at work trying to find a
permanent Human solution for
Ebola….and they are close!
Their proposed cure unofficially called
Annointing-Oil-Z has significant
advantages over the recent American Z-
mapp serum used recently on 2
American health workers. For starters it
does not need to be administered
intravenously … it can be administered
with a simple push I mean touch of oil to
the forehead. Another advantage is that
the oil is not temperature sensitive.
Unlike the Z-mappT serum that has
to be kept at subzero temperature and
thawed out naturally, the Annointing-
Oil-ZTM has shown significant stability in
both low and high temperatures.
With just a few scriptures and
Annointing-Oil-Z patients who had
the Ebola fever or Malaria fever or any
kind of fever for that matter … instantly
showed a dramatic improvement in their
condition. Data is inconclusive at the
moment on the full potential of the drug
and whether it can be commercialized in
the near future. However, the initial
results are promising. And as more and
more pastors from top Nigerian religious
institutions come together to tackle this
disease, the chances of a commercial
solution rise even higher.
What is most interesting about this cure
is that it is 100% crowd funded by
thousands of worshipers every week. In
addition to that, the Government gives
significant tax breaks to these religious
research facilities to encourage their
research work.
“Without the Government tax breaks we
would struggle to maintain our research
facilities and also struggle to expand our
health and healing ministries,” said
Nigerian Clergyman Titus Theophilus,
who explained that the Government tax
breaks plays a significant role in
ensuring that the ministry is well funded.
“Thanks to them (The Government) we
are able to get our message across
to other parts of West Africa and have
even been able to purchase a private jet
for our head Pastor in case he needs to
meet with other top researchers from
across the world.”
So while the American Government
is busy spending millions of dollars to
build top University/Hospital research
facilities and killing rats and monkeys in
the process. The Nigerian Governments
are instead busy investing in a much
humane and arguably better solution
which does not put a burden on their tax
payers. A solution that is powered by
weekly crowd funded tithes with
additional but indirect
support via Government tax breaks.
At the end of the day the
Nigerian solution is brilliant as it does
not put any pressure on the Nigerian
Government to address consistent
University strike issues or even
Hospital strike issues. I mean who needs
fully functional medical facilities and top
notch University building when your
country has some of the largest and
most expensive churches in the world.
At this rate, a permanent end to Ebola
might just be around the corner and it
will shock the world to know that the
solution Annointing-Oil-Z was made
in Nigeria!
NOTE: No rats were harmed in the
writing of this article.
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Written By Okechukwu Ofili
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Why Do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
By Greg Laurie

If I decided how my day were to go, I would never write in “crisis.”
I would never write, “Get sick” here or “Have my tire go flat” there, or “Have this unexpected disaster take place.” I would just write in all the good stuff in life. I would plan for everything to
go my way. There would be no traffic on the freeways. It would always be green lights and blue skies.

God is in charge.

But guess what? We’re not in charge of our lives. God is.
I love what the prophet once admitted to the Lord: “O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself; it is not in man who walks to direct his own steps” (Jeremiah 10:23, NKJV).
The fact is, God will allow so-called “bad things” to happen to us in the course of our days. But as
time goes by, you will find that the significant things you learn in life didn’t really come from the good times and the mountaintop experiences. They came from those times of
crisis in which you were more dependent on God. Many of the most difficult days will, in retrospect,
turn out to be unbelievably valuable, because it is through those so-called “bad times” that you will learn some of life’s most important lessons.

Chosen by God.

The things we experience are not random events that float in and out of our lives. They are rather specific events that have been chosen by God
and are timely and purposeful. This means the good things as well as the bad things. It means the wonderful, happy times of life as well as the
dark, difficult days. When you put your faith in Jesus Christ, you come under His protective care. God is fully
aware of everything that happens to you, and thankfully He is never asleep on the job. He pays careful attention to the smallest details of your life and is in complete in control of all circumstances that surround you. He knows what’s happening in your life right now-knows it better than you do. And His presence and provision will be all you need to make it through.

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